1980s gryles san fran fic

[saysthemagpie]

ohhhhh god i was cleaning out my drafts today because i store writing there sometimes, and i came across these nick cave lyrics i'd saved that hannah sent me ages ago as fic insp for the gryles part of the san fran fic / 1980s AIDS epidemic au, and i felt then AS I FEEL NOW like somebody had just stabbed me in the goddamn heart. i'm just.. imagining the lyrics as nick pov, nick knows he's sick and he knows he's getting sicker, and he also knows that harry's completely in denial about it. can't accept the diagnosis, can't accept that he's going to lose nick. can't accept that it doesn't matter how many times he says nick's symptoms don't fit the profile, how many homeopathic remedies he makes, how many phone calls he makes trying to get nick into some new specialist for a second, third, fourth, twelfth opinion. it doesn't matter how many candles he lights for nick, how many prayers he says. it's not going to change the outcome.

and nick's just - he's so scared for himself, but he's also so worried about harry. because harry's not good at taking care of himself. he's not good at keeping himself together when he's overwhelmed and upset. all his support systems are falling apart and pretty soon nick's not going to be there to hold things together. and if harry gets sick - nick's just trying to plan for what happens after he's gone, when he's not there to hold harry anymore.

I don’t believe in an interventionist God
but I know, darling, that you do
but if I did I would kneel down and ask him
not to intervene when it came to you
not to touch a hair on your head
to leave you as you are
and if he felt he had to direct you
then direct you into my arms

into my arms, O Lord.

and I don’t believe in the existence of angels
but looking at you I wonder if that’s true
but if I did I would summon them together
and ask them to watch over you
to each burn a candle for you
to make bright and clear your path
and to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
and guide you into my arms

into my arms, O Lord

but I believe in love
and I know that you do too
and I believe in some kind of path
that we can walk down, me and you.