i remember the feeling

don't mind me, i'm just gonna collect some of my favorite photos of barry keoghan for safekeeping.
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ohhhhh god i was cleaning out my drafts today because i store writing there sometimes, and i came across these nick cave lyrics i'd saved that hannah sent me ages ago as fic insp for the gryles part of the san fran fic / 1980s AIDS epidemic au, and i felt then AS I FEEL NOW like somebody had just stabbed me in the goddamn heart. i'm just.. imagining the lyrics as nick pov, nick knows he's sick and he knows he's getting sicker, and he also knows that harry's completely in denial about it. can't accept the diagnosis, can't accept that he's going to lose nick. can't accept that it doesn't matter how many times he says nick's symptoms don't fit the profile, how many homeopathic remedies he makes, how many phone calls he makes trying to get nick into some new specialist for a second, third, fourth, twelfth opinion. it doesn't matter how many candles he lights for nick, how many prayers he says. it's not going to change the outcome.

and nick's just - he's so scared for himself, but he's also so worried about harry. because harry's not good at taking care of himself. he's not good at keeping himself together when he's overwhelmed and upset. all his support systems are falling apart and pretty soon nick's not going to be there to hold things together. and if harry gets sick - nick's just trying to plan for what happens after he's gone, when he's not there to hold harry anymore.

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