i remember the feeling

“I made you have a baby,” Harry says shakily, and he’s not going to cry, he’s not, because this isn’t about him. “Just say it, all right? That’s why we keep fighting, and why you’re so unhappy all the time.”

“You - what do you mean, you made me have a baby?” Niall says. “Sorry, Haz, but unless you’ve got, like, magic jizz - ”

“If I hadn’t turned up that day, you would’ve just gone to the clinic,” Harry says. “And you would’ve - you would’ve taken care of it, like you wanted to, and none of this would be happening.”

He fumbles for his phone, eyes blurring with tears. “I’ve been reading stuff, about - about how adoption works here. And she - she’s healthy, and I know she’ll be beautiful, Niall, and people love babies. Somebody’ll love her, and want her, and they’ll - they’ll feel so lucky to have her.”

“Harry,” Niall says. “What in the world are you on about?”

“You shouldn’t have to be trapped,” Harry says thickly. “You shouldn’t have to give up your whole life, just because I made you feel guilty. That’s not fair.” He shoves his phone blindly towards Niall, but Niall doesn’t take it. He just stares at it, a bewildered expression on his face.

“Harry,” Niall says slowly. “Is that - you’ve been thinking that all this time?”

Harry can’t look at him. “Or I could take her,” he says to the ground, his voice trembling a little. “I know it sounds mad, but I love her, Niall, I love her already. I just want you both to be happy. My mum could help me bring her up, and you - you could see her when you wanted. If you wanted.”

There’s a long silence.

“So you want to steal my baby, Styles, is that it?” Niall asks finally.

Harry’s head jerks up in surprise. “No!” he says. “No, that’s not it.”

“I see right through you, Styles,” Niall says, folding his arms over his chest, eyebrows raised. “Been playing the long game, have you? Just hanging around all these months, waiting for the perfect moment to swoop in and snatch her up.”

Harry’s horrified. “No,” he says. “Niall, I swear that isn’t - I’m not - ”

Niall reaches out and grabs his hand, twining their fingers together. He lifts their joined hands, pressing a light kiss to the back of Harry’s hand.

“Hey,” he says, in a gentler voice. “Shh, listen, I was just teasing you. It was only a joke, yeah?” He squeezes Harry’s hand. “Harry, is that really what you’ve been thinking all this time? That I, what - blamed you for me getting knocked up or something? That I don’t want her?”

Harry pulls away back. He sits down on the garden step, cradling the hand Niall had kissed to his chest, his shoulders hunched miserably.

“I messed it all up,” he says. “I messed your whole life up. Coming back, and moving in - I thought I was helping, but I’m not. I’ve just made everything worse.”

Niall sits down next to him. The swell of his belly makes his movements slow and awkward, but he manages it on his own, gripping the handrail to lower himself down. When he’s finally seated he lets out a sigh of relief, unfolding his skinny legs in front of him.

“Bloody knees,” he says, wincing. “Been killing me all week. Going to have to start carting me around on one of them what d'you call ‘ems soon. Like royalty.”

“A litter?” Harry offers tentatively.

“Yeah, that,” Niall says. “With fancy little curtains, too, so the paps can’t see me. Good thing you’ve been working out, yeah? Going to be some heavy lifting.”

Harry barely cracks a smile. He’s still too upset, and exhausted, too, from too little sleep and too much worrying.

Niall bumps their shoulders together, very gently.

“Haz,” he says. “Is that what you’ve been thinking all this time? That I didn’t want the baby? That it’s your fault I’m having her?”

“You never want to talk about her,” Harry says. “You never read the things I leave for you, all the magazines and the articles and stuff. You didn’t even want to know if she was a girl or not. And you - you’re mad at me. You’ve been mad at me since I got here, I think, but it’s - it’s been worse, lately. It’s like you can’t even stand to be in the same room as me.”

Niall’s quiet for a long time. Finally, he sighs. “It’s complicated,” he says. “But not in the way you’re thinking. It’s not because I don’t want her. And I don’t - I’m not mad at you, Harry. There’s just some stuff I’m sorting through, that’s all. And it’s not fair, me taking it out on you.”

Harry frowns. “What kind of stuff?”

Niall clears his threat. “It’s nothing,” he says. “It’s just complicated, like I said. I got confused for a bit about something, but now I - I understand it better, and I’m okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”

He pats Harry’s knee, squeezing it for a moment before he lets go.

“I do read the articles, you know,” he says quietly. “I read everything you leave for me. You’ve been so good for me, Harry - for both of us. Don’t reckon I deserve it really, the way I’ve been acting. But I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re with us.”