i remember the feeling

friends I’ll be screaming about the waseem photo for the rest of my life

 IM ALIVE and tonight I’m going to ramble about fic outlines here and also do some commenting. IM NOW LESS THAN ONE MONTH AWAY FROM BEING (MOSTLY PRETTY MUCH) DONE WITH ACADEMIC WRITING     

 

ok my sister sent me this photo with the text “this photo is giving me very specific vibes,” to which i said “70s SoCal rock vibes?” and she said “yes also something about the hand is giving me kinda skeezy daddy niall vibes??” and then proceeded to ignore all of my texts demanding MORE HEADCANONS AND A FULL FIC OUTLINE. but SURELY WE CAN DO THIS OURSELVES. help me friends!!

here are my initial thoughts.

as you probably know, i LOVE trashbag!1d in fic. i had never considered a trashbag!niall before, probably because my two favorite fics in this genre, do you wanna and proper groupie, do not even include niall (or barely include him). SO MY EYES HAD NOT EVEN BEEN OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITY and that feels like a crying shame!!!! i am imagining like, some kinda fic that is not exactly celeb/groupie fic but has celeb/groupie or famous/nonfamous vibes + vague sugar baby vibes. it feels narry to me although i am open to other ships. and it definitely features niall as a kinda older (late 30s maybe?) guitarist in an Eagles-type band and harry as a youngish (19-22 maybe?) kid who moved from some small town to LA a few months back and thinks he's adapted to city life but is 100% still a total innocent. (you'll have to pretend like niall doesn't look totally baby-faced in that picture and imagine him as having a sort of rugged older Californian vibe.) i know nothing about the 1970s but it's the '70s and niall's got a house in laurel canyon and everybody knows his name. I have NO idea what would happen in the plot but harry's a little breathless and wide-eyed and niall's a little weathered, a little jaded, a little distant.

OK you can stop reading there and just speculate in the comments about niall's past if you want!! or you can read this possible outline for the first chapter IDK. im interested in both general speculation about a sugar baby!harry/older famous niall and specific speculation about this version of the plot!!

possibly harry meets niall at some party he's charmed his way into attending? i am kinda thinking that he's hanging out with these LA girls he's met who think he's adorable and let him hang around them, and then louis (who is also older and maybe in niall's band) is out at a club or a restaurant or something and the girls are flirting with him and he invites them to a party at his later. and one of the girls is like "can our friend come?" re: harry and louis looks at harry, kinda sizing him up, and then maybe says something under his breath to whoever he's with, they both laugh, and louis's like "yeah bring him too, got somebody who might like to meet him," kinda smirking as he says it. anyway maybe louis even sends a car for them or something, and when they get to the party the girls head off and harry's left alone at this party where he doesn't know anyone, in this huuuuuuge obscenely gorgeous california mansion, and he keeps seeing famous people and he's just sooo wide-eyed, keeps bumping into people and furniture because he's so busy staring around the room trying to take it all in. he doesn't know anybody but he can tell that a lot of the people there are famous -- some of them he recognizes but a lot of them just have that kinda aura about them, like everybody's intentionally not gaping at them but the intense casualness with which they're not being watched is basically like everyone staring at them... anyway he's just wandering around, hardly able to believe he's there, trying to commit every single detail to memory so he can tell his roommates about it later (zayn? liam? dunkirk boys?).

anyway the whole evening kinda goes by like this, with harry sort of drifting from room to room, drifting around the edges of people's conversations and being sort of coolly acknowledged but not addressed, which is fine by him!! he's totally overwhelmed and just trying to play it cool!!! i think at one point maybe louis is sort of holding court somewhere and spots him drifting past and is like c'mere, and harry goes over to him, and louis makes him sit down next to him and introduces him to like, the fifteen people who are sort of lounging around him, most of them with kinda improbable names or nicknames that harry's never gonna remember, and harry's just kinda dazed and nodding. probably he smokes a little himself when someone passes him a joint even though pot always makes him a little vague and hazy round the edges and horny. louis then seems to forget that he's there, and harry just sort of sits in a daze watching everyone talk, watching louis talk, and maybe louis's got a girl half draped over him and he's got a hand on her thigh but he's got his leg pressed up against harry's just sitting there all hazy and not really following the conversation anymore, just watching louis talk, feeling the warmth of his thigh against harry's. and he's kinda working himself up to developing a crush on louis, watching louis talk, thinking about louis's thighs, thinking about louis's dick, thinking about sliding to his knees and getting his mouth on him later. maybe fantasizing about doing it now, even, with all these people around watching, louis's hand in his hair, pulling a little.

ANYWAY harry definitely starts getting an inopportune boner and is like umm.... i gotta... be right back, and louis, who's got this lazy smug grin on his face again like he can tell exactly what harry's been thinking about, makes some joke and everyone laughs. maybe he's also like, don't leave yet, kid, i want you to meet someone, and harry, who's blushing now, is like ok!! and flees the room.

somehow he runs into niall who’s somewhere else in the house on his own? maybe harry wanders into one of the unused bedrooms looking for a bathroom and then after he sees that the balcony door is open and he steps out to look at the view and niall’s sitting out there in the dark drinking and watching the waves break on the shore. when Niall sees Harry in the dark he gives a little jerk of surprise, like something's startled him badly, and almost knocks over whatever he's drinking. Harry recognizes him, goes all wide eyed and confused and clumsy again, and is like sorry! sorry!!!!! and then niall looks at him again and seems to really see him this time. he seems to sot of shake out of something and is gruffly like, it's fine, sorry, thought you were someone else.

harry offers to go, but niall's like no it's ok, stay if you like. and it feels awkward to leave so harry sits down near him and they watch the ocean together for a while. harry's kinda watching Niall out of the corner of his eye, because he's not a fan fan but he knows exactly who niall is and he's trying to be casual and cool about it like the people at the party but is failing miserably. except he notices that niall keeps stealing looks at him too, almost like he can't help it, and harry's internally like "hmmm. HMM!!! very interesting!!!!" and takes it as a cue to start flirting a little, because he probably is not going to get to suck louis off tonight but maybe he can still hook up with a famous person before he has to go back to his real life, which is much less exciting.

idk maybe they start talking. niall's quiet and doesn't contribute much to the conversation but he's a good listener, and every time harry stops talking he asks some question that sends harry off again, and harry winds up telling him all about his hometown and moving to LA and the dishwashing job he's doing until he can make it big in acting or something (he has no idea what he wants to do, he just has vague romantic notions about LA and being in a profession where his job is to be adored). and he just sort of talks and talks, with a bit of bravado mixed in because he wants niall to think he's worldly and sophisticated and unfazed like everyone else at the party. but he's got this earnestness and he even makes niall laugh a couple times. but then at one point he realizes he's been talking for a long time and niall's probably just being polite, and he gets a little self-conscious and is like 'sorry' and niall's like 'for what?' and harry doesn't know how to say 'for boring you, probably' so he just sort of awkwardly ignores it, and then casts around for something to say instead and settles on asking niall who he was expecting. niall's like 'what do you mean?' and harry's like 'when i came out here you thought i was someone else, who were you expecti

except that somehow it's the Wrong Thing to say. immediately niall goes all reserved and distant again, and harry hadn't realized how much niall had relaxed in the space of their conversation until suddenly his walls go up again. harry's confused and tries to muddle through an apology, but niall just sort of brushes it off and is like 'you're probably missing the party' in a way that's clearly like, you should go now. but harry doesn't want to go!!!!! anyway i think maybe he sort of panics and decides to just GO FOR IT, i don't think he would actually kiss niall but maybe he puts his hand on niall's thigh, pretty high up, and then Looks at him. and niall kinda freezes, and there's this half second where harry's afraid he got that wrong too and he doesn't know if niall's going to be angry or have a gay panic moment and his mind's kinda spinning off thinking about what might happen, and then niall kinda surges forward and puts a hand on the back of harry's head and kisses him, not gently, and things get very heated very fast. it's very intense, and there's this weird undertone to it -- it's not at all violent or dub con-y, but it's rougher and more impersonal than harry was expecting, and niall's just a bit like.. idk. like on the balcony when they'd been talking harry had had this feeling sometimes that he'd taken niall by surprise -- he'd made him laugh when he wasn't expecting to, or said something that niall hadn't expected to hear, and it had made niall sort of focus on him and look at him like he was really seeing harry, and was surprised by what he saw. and it had sort of thrilled harry, this feeling of being sort of the focus of niall's attention like that. but now that they're hooking up it's sort of like niall's not focused on him anymore? (i can't decide if niall is thinking about the person harry reminds him of and responding to his feelings about that person in this scene, or if he's just had a lot of sex with people who want to sleep with him because he's famous and he's just kinda falling into the role he usually plays in these casual, kinda ultimately meaningless sexual encounters. possibly some combination of both!! im still getting a feel for his character.)

anyway it's hot but also it's all happening very fast, and probably harry goes down on niall on the balcony and that's excellent and he feels very accomplished and worldly bc look at him, blowing a celeb at his very first real famous LA party!! but then niall's like 'can I fuck you, i want to fuck you,' and harry is like yes, 100%, immediately, but once they get inside he starts getting a little nervous because actually he has not done this part before!! but possibly he has sliiiiightly misled niall on that front, aka sort of exaggerated / embellished his sexual history in the attempt to impress niall. and he is definitely game to have sex but also is nervous and hiding it, possibly by being even more like 'i know EXACTLY what i'm doing, obviously, ahaha! very good at sex, that's me! experienced lover harry styles!' and he sort of rushes through the prep and then when they actually start having sex it hurts a lot more than he expected and he can't relax but he doesn't want to stop because he doesn't want to mess up!! except then he winds up getting overwhelmed and sort of freaking out a little, bc Feelings!!! and niall's like 'whoa what ok let's just - let's stop' and harry's like 'NO KEEP GOING' bc he's just being stupid obviously and he doesn't want to fail at losing his gay virginity to a famous rockstar who's probably slept with so many people!!! but it's not ok and now he's gotten himself all worked up and niall's like 'ok actually let's just.. take a break yeah' and goes to get him a glass of water.

when harry's calmed down a bit he's soooo embarrassed and gets tearful again over it. at this point niall is still concerned, but also pretty convinced that harry's got a few screws loose and probably it would be best to just disentangle himself from this situation before things get any weirder. except that idk they have some kind of moment and harry just ditches the worldly act altogether, confesses that he has no idea what he's doing, and also winds up having a lot of Feelings, and it's so earnest and just.. obviously genuine that niall once again seems to be kinda taken by surprise? and once again it's like he's still kind of reserved/not exactly warm or forthcoming, but harry's willingness to be very unselfconscious and unguarded in front of him sort of makes him respond in kind, to an extent. and they get to have a do-over, which I will not describe here bc i actually wrote this part of the sex scene, except to say that it is totally different from what came before and it surprises them both and is weirdly intimate in that narry bizarro soul connection kinda way. 

AND THEN, OF COURSE, HARRY WAKES UP IN THE MORNING AND NIALL IS GONE, and has left him all alone in a strange house, and when harry stumbles out of the bedroom and wanders the house looking for a telephone or the way out he accidentally wanders into the kitchen, where famous rockstar louis tomlinson is sitting in his pants eating breakfast with a girl harry's never seen before, and it is very clear that 1) neither of them knew anyone was still in the house, 2) louis doesn't remember who harry is or much about the previous evening, and 3) niall must've cleared out first thing and definitely did not mention to louis that he'd left harry sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms.

[INSERT REST OF FIC HERE]

sometimes when i am right on the verge of sleep a fic idea will emerge out of the ether and i have to scramble to write it down, and then in the morning I look at it and I'm like... where did that come from and why did it feel like a real idea at the time? ANYWAY the one I had last night was a weird loosely good omens-inspired au, except.. weirder.. more crackfic-y... anyway it's set during the hiatus except that liam doesn't have a baby in this verse (sorry bear!! I just want liam to be single for crackfic purposes).

liam's in rehearsals for some awards show or festival or something and falls asleep in his dressing room, and then when he wakes up he realizes suddenly that he's the harbinger of the apocalypse. like, there's no doubt about it, he doesn't feel like he's going crazy or anything, he just suddenly Knows. possibly he's known all along, though he's a bit unclear on that part. it does seem like the kind of thing that would be hard to forget, but he has this sense that maybe he set it aside to focus on the band and his career for a bit, and now he's sort of woken up and realized that he's got a destiny to fulfill. he's not like an Antichrist, because it turns out that the Christian end of days prophecies aren't true, and actually the true end of the world was foretold in the prophecies of a nice, mad witch several centuries ago. liam, being liam, is distressed about the whole world ending thing, but also, he's been entrusted with a great responsibility, none of it can really get going without him, so he's got to get started at least, and hopefully he'll get work all this out with somebody who's a little higher up in the chain of command.

anyway the first thing he's got to do (after the awards show, of course) is find zayn. it's unclear why, liam's mostly just got an itch to do it, and anyway zayn's the smartest, he'll be able to sort all this out and tell liam what he should do. zayn hasn't been seen in months (that was foretold too) but liam eventually finds him living on an organic farm in upstate new york with no running water and a lot of horses and pigs and things. he expects zayn to be a bit more skeptical at first, or resistant, because they've patched things up but they don't really drop in on each other like this. but zayn just sighs and is like oh so you've come about the apocalypse, have you, and liam's like how did you know, and zayn's like, I found this book. or well, it found me. kept finding me, too.

liam doesn't understand until zayn shows him the book, which contains the prophecies liam hasn't seen yet but is vaguely aware of. "yours arrived yesterday," zayn says. "that's how I knew you were coming." liam's surprised. "how did they get this address? do you even get mail out here?" and zayn's like "they don't come by mail, exactly." it turns out the books are magic and that they sort of just... find you, wherever you are, and if you throw them out or try to donate them to charity or leave them behind or whatever, they'll just turn up again anyway, usually dropping from a high shelf onto your head. "they seem to get annoyed," zayn says. "anyway they've got a map in them to the farm, or well - to the place where the farm is now. I guess there probably wasn't anything built here a couple centuries ago when it was written. but i really don't think the rest will come."

"the rest of what?" liam says. zayn frowns. "uh," he says. "one direction?"

(anyway the punchline of this crackfic, in my hazy dreamlike state, was like, that ot5 getting back together heralded the end of the world)

anyway zayn's pretty sure the boys won't come. the farm's kind of hard to find, for one thing. harry and niall aren't speaking to him (harry deliberately, niall by way of changing his number and not sending zayn a new one) and louis's patched things up, sort of, but has made it clear that they can make amends but they're not going to be best friends again. anyway liam and zayn chat a little bit about the apocalypse and zayn's art and the farming life, whatever, and zayn's like "ah yeah, I kinda knew about the apocalypse thing for a while, i got my book a couple years back. didn't realize it was like, totally real until all the signs started..."

liam's about to start asking about the signs, but then louis turns up on the doorstep looking very irritable, possibly with freddie in tow because it's his weekend, asking why the F-U-C-K (he has to spell it out bc he's promised briana he won't swear in front of the kid anymore) zayn keeps sending him packages full of this stupid book, when zayn knows perfectly well louis doesn't know how to read. apparently he'd tried to send them back but instead of "could not be delivered" he'd gotten an extremely cryptic note that looked like it was written on really old parchment or some shit that said the sender must journey to the return address in person to plead his case. since louis's gigantic LA living room is overflowing with books, he figured finally that he'd better go see what kind of stupid prank zayn was pulling.

idk what happens next but the crucial part is that harry and niall are the toughest sells, and everybody has like, a partial sense of what's wrong but nobody has the full picture, but liam heard from cheryl who heard from rita who heard from nick that harry and niall haven't spoken once since the hiatus, and zayn's heard from gigi who heard from bella who heard from kendall that somebody broke harry's heart. which can't be true, louis interjects, because he heard from julian that niall's the one with the broken heart and it must be true because he wrote a whole album to prove it. the point is, it's going to be pretty tough to get them to agree to come to zayn's of all places, let alone zayn's together, so they decide they'll split up, liam will go lure harry in and louis will take care of niall and they'll reconvene at the house in three days' time to confer about the apocalypse. zayn can't go because he's got to tend to the animals, of course, and anyway he'd like some time to read the prophecies again.

anyway the ancient witch basically foresaw the rise and fall of one direction and then basically wrote a fanfic, and they can't always entirely tell when she's prophesying something that's actually going to happen vs. what's just wishful thinking bc she hopes they'll do it, if the power of suggestion is strong enough. this definitely involves ot3 matchmaking for narry, who are both very unhappy but also quite unhappy with each other, for Reasons that they haven't told the other boys. one of the parts of the prophecies definitely says that they have to be united in purpose, though, because it's the five of them that will bring about the end times. harry probably suggests a group orgy, only to be scowled down by everyone else, especially niall, who is Over It and is not going to get sucked back into whatever weird game harry's playing, which makes harry indignant. probably there is zayn/louis/liam. louis is loudly annoyed about the apocalypse happening with freddie has not even learned to play football properly yet. somehow this culminates in ot5 agreeing to do a special reunion concert at madison square gardens, three nights only, or something like that. WHO KNOWS what the end of the world actually looks like or how anything goes!! who knows what this is, even! probably the world doesn't actually end because liam has a polite word with someone in the angelic orders and louis makes vague threats and zayn produces an alternative reading of the prophecy that persuades the higher-ups.

here's a roughly sketched out scene from the westworld au I've been sort of tinkering with off and on. this section comes after this scene, kinda, though I would rework that first drabble a bit -- I think Niall's realization 1) that Harry is a robot but he's still a person and 2) that he has to get Harry out of the park is a little slower in coming in the story itself.

content warnings in that scene linked above for references to past rape/torture (not between narry). warnings in this scene for guns + a nongraphic depiction of a suicide attempt. HIGH ANGST!!! got another scene for tomorrow, I think.

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I swear, every day I rise with the sun (lol ok around 9am) and resolve that this is the day I am going to start posting writing reguarly on dreamwidth. and then I fail! I feel like the problem for me is that I write in fragments and then piece together scenes later. I also tend to go for the sharp little emotional moments in detail and then only hazily sketch out notes for the stuff that frames the scene (how they got there, context for what they're discussing, etc). so I wind up doing a ton of writing but then it never feels done enough to be a standalone drabble. anyway I am going to try to just post anyway, with little notes for where things are still sketchy and not fully realized, bc maybe posting it will also help me figure out how to frame it?? who knows.