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sometimes when i am right on the verge of sleep a fic idea will emerge out of the ether and i have to scramble to write it down, and then in the morning I look at it and I'm like... where did that come from and why did it feel like a real idea at the time? ANYWAY the one I had last night was a weird loosely good omens-inspired au, except.. weirder.. more crackfic-y... anyway it's set during the hiatus except that liam doesn't have a baby in this verse (sorry bear!! I just want liam to be single for crackfic purposes).
liam's in rehearsals for some awards show or festival or something and falls asleep in his dressing room, and then when he wakes up he realizes suddenly that he's the harbinger of the apocalypse. like, there's no doubt about it, he doesn't feel like he's going crazy or anything, he just suddenly Knows. possibly he's known all along, though he's a bit unclear on that part. it does seem like the kind of thing that would be hard to forget, but he has this sense that maybe he set it aside to focus on the band and his career for a bit, and now he's sort of woken up and realized that he's got a destiny to fulfill. he's not like an Antichrist, because it turns out that the Christian end of days prophecies aren't true, and actually the true end of the world was foretold in the prophecies of a nice, mad witch several centuries ago. liam, being liam, is distressed about the whole world ending thing, but also, he's been entrusted with a great responsibility, none of it can really get going without him, so he's got to get started at least, and hopefully he'll get work all this out with somebody who's a little higher up in the chain of command.
anyway the first thing he's got to do (after the awards show, of course) is find zayn. it's unclear why, liam's mostly just got an itch to do it, and anyway zayn's the smartest, he'll be able to sort all this out and tell liam what he should do. zayn hasn't been seen in months (that was foretold too) but liam eventually finds him living on an organic farm in upstate new york with no running water and a lot of horses and pigs and things. he expects zayn to be a bit more skeptical at first, or resistant, because they've patched things up but they don't really drop in on each other like this. but zayn just sighs and is like oh so you've come about the apocalypse, have you, and liam's like how did you know, and zayn's like, I found this book. or well, it found me. kept finding me, too.
liam doesn't understand until zayn shows him the book, which contains the prophecies liam hasn't seen yet but is vaguely aware of. "yours arrived yesterday," zayn says. "that's how I knew you were coming." liam's surprised. "how did they get this address? do you even get mail out here?" and zayn's like "they don't come by mail, exactly." it turns out the books are magic and that they sort of just... find you, wherever you are, and if you throw them out or try to donate them to charity or leave them behind or whatever, they'll just turn up again anyway, usually dropping from a high shelf onto your head. "they seem to get annoyed," zayn says. "anyway they've got a map in them to the farm, or well - to the place where the farm is now. I guess there probably wasn't anything built here a couple centuries ago when it was written. but i really don't think the rest will come."
"the rest of what?" liam says. zayn frowns. "uh," he says. "one direction?"
(anyway the punchline of this crackfic, in my hazy dreamlike state, was like, that ot5 getting back together heralded the end of the world)
anyway zayn's pretty sure the boys won't come. the farm's kind of hard to find, for one thing. harry and niall aren't speaking to him (harry deliberately, niall by way of changing his number and not sending zayn a new one) and louis's patched things up, sort of, but has made it clear that they can make amends but they're not going to be best friends again. anyway liam and zayn chat a little bit about the apocalypse and zayn's art and the farming life, whatever, and zayn's like "ah yeah, I kinda knew about the apocalypse thing for a while, i got my book a couple years back. didn't realize it was like, totally real until all the signs started..."
liam's about to start asking about the signs, but then louis turns up on the doorstep looking very irritable, possibly with freddie in tow because it's his weekend, asking why the F-U-C-K (he has to spell it out bc he's promised briana he won't swear in front of the kid anymore) zayn keeps sending him packages full of this stupid book, when zayn knows perfectly well louis doesn't know how to read. apparently he'd tried to send them back but instead of "could not be delivered" he'd gotten an extremely cryptic note that looked like it was written on really old parchment or some shit that said the sender must journey to the return address in person to plead his case. since louis's gigantic LA living room is overflowing with books, he figured finally that he'd better go see what kind of stupid prank zayn was pulling.
idk what happens next but the crucial part is that harry and niall are the toughest sells, and everybody has like, a partial sense of what's wrong but nobody has the full picture, but liam heard from cheryl who heard from rita who heard from nick that harry and niall haven't spoken once since the hiatus, and zayn's heard from gigi who heard from bella who heard from kendall that somebody broke harry's heart. which can't be true, louis interjects, because he heard from julian that niall's the one with the broken heart and it must be true because he wrote a whole album to prove it. the point is, it's going to be pretty tough to get them to agree to come to zayn's of all places, let alone zayn's together, so they decide they'll split up, liam will go lure harry in and louis will take care of niall and they'll reconvene at the house in three days' time to confer about the apocalypse. zayn can't go because he's got to tend to the animals, of course, and anyway he'd like some time to read the prophecies again.
anyway the ancient witch basically foresaw the rise and fall of one direction and then basically wrote a fanfic, and they can't always entirely tell when she's prophesying something that's actually going to happen vs. what's just wishful thinking bc she hopes they'll do it, if the power of suggestion is strong enough. this definitely involves ot3 matchmaking for narry, who are both very unhappy but also quite unhappy with each other, for Reasons that they haven't told the other boys. one of the parts of the prophecies definitely says that they have to be united in purpose, though, because it's the five of them that will bring about the end times. harry probably suggests a group orgy, only to be scowled down by everyone else, especially niall, who is Over It and is not going to get sucked back into whatever weird game harry's playing, which makes harry indignant. probably there is zayn/louis/liam. louis is loudly annoyed about the apocalypse happening with freddie has not even learned to play football properly yet. somehow this culminates in ot5 agreeing to do a special reunion concert at madison square gardens, three nights only, or something like that. WHO KNOWS what the end of the world actually looks like or how anything goes!! who knows what this is, even! probably the world doesn't actually end because liam has a polite word with someone in the angelic orders and louis makes vague threats and zayn produces an alternative reading of the prophecy that persuades the higher-ups.
liam's in rehearsals for some awards show or festival or something and falls asleep in his dressing room, and then when he wakes up he realizes suddenly that he's the harbinger of the apocalypse. like, there's no doubt about it, he doesn't feel like he's going crazy or anything, he just suddenly Knows. possibly he's known all along, though he's a bit unclear on that part. it does seem like the kind of thing that would be hard to forget, but he has this sense that maybe he set it aside to focus on the band and his career for a bit, and now he's sort of woken up and realized that he's got a destiny to fulfill. he's not like an Antichrist, because it turns out that the Christian end of days prophecies aren't true, and actually the true end of the world was foretold in the prophecies of a nice, mad witch several centuries ago. liam, being liam, is distressed about the whole world ending thing, but also, he's been entrusted with a great responsibility, none of it can really get going without him, so he's got to get started at least, and hopefully he'll get work all this out with somebody who's a little higher up in the chain of command.
anyway the first thing he's got to do (after the awards show, of course) is find zayn. it's unclear why, liam's mostly just got an itch to do it, and anyway zayn's the smartest, he'll be able to sort all this out and tell liam what he should do. zayn hasn't been seen in months (that was foretold too) but liam eventually finds him living on an organic farm in upstate new york with no running water and a lot of horses and pigs and things. he expects zayn to be a bit more skeptical at first, or resistant, because they've patched things up but they don't really drop in on each other like this. but zayn just sighs and is like oh so you've come about the apocalypse, have you, and liam's like how did you know, and zayn's like, I found this book. or well, it found me. kept finding me, too.
liam doesn't understand until zayn shows him the book, which contains the prophecies liam hasn't seen yet but is vaguely aware of. "yours arrived yesterday," zayn says. "that's how I knew you were coming." liam's surprised. "how did they get this address? do you even get mail out here?" and zayn's like "they don't come by mail, exactly." it turns out the books are magic and that they sort of just... find you, wherever you are, and if you throw them out or try to donate them to charity or leave them behind or whatever, they'll just turn up again anyway, usually dropping from a high shelf onto your head. "they seem to get annoyed," zayn says. "anyway they've got a map in them to the farm, or well - to the place where the farm is now. I guess there probably wasn't anything built here a couple centuries ago when it was written. but i really don't think the rest will come."
"the rest of what?" liam says. zayn frowns. "uh," he says. "one direction?"
(anyway the punchline of this crackfic, in my hazy dreamlike state, was like, that ot5 getting back together heralded the end of the world)
anyway zayn's pretty sure the boys won't come. the farm's kind of hard to find, for one thing. harry and niall aren't speaking to him (harry deliberately, niall by way of changing his number and not sending zayn a new one) and louis's patched things up, sort of, but has made it clear that they can make amends but they're not going to be best friends again. anyway liam and zayn chat a little bit about the apocalypse and zayn's art and the farming life, whatever, and zayn's like "ah yeah, I kinda knew about the apocalypse thing for a while, i got my book a couple years back. didn't realize it was like, totally real until all the signs started..."
liam's about to start asking about the signs, but then louis turns up on the doorstep looking very irritable, possibly with freddie in tow because it's his weekend, asking why the F-U-C-K (he has to spell it out bc he's promised briana he won't swear in front of the kid anymore) zayn keeps sending him packages full of this stupid book, when zayn knows perfectly well louis doesn't know how to read. apparently he'd tried to send them back but instead of "could not be delivered" he'd gotten an extremely cryptic note that looked like it was written on really old parchment or some shit that said the sender must journey to the return address in person to plead his case. since louis's gigantic LA living room is overflowing with books, he figured finally that he'd better go see what kind of stupid prank zayn was pulling.
idk what happens next but the crucial part is that harry and niall are the toughest sells, and everybody has like, a partial sense of what's wrong but nobody has the full picture, but liam heard from cheryl who heard from rita who heard from nick that harry and niall haven't spoken once since the hiatus, and zayn's heard from gigi who heard from bella who heard from kendall that somebody broke harry's heart. which can't be true, louis interjects, because he heard from julian that niall's the one with the broken heart and it must be true because he wrote a whole album to prove it. the point is, it's going to be pretty tough to get them to agree to come to zayn's of all places, let alone zayn's together, so they decide they'll split up, liam will go lure harry in and louis will take care of niall and they'll reconvene at the house in three days' time to confer about the apocalypse. zayn can't go because he's got to tend to the animals, of course, and anyway he'd like some time to read the prophecies again.
anyway the ancient witch basically foresaw the rise and fall of one direction and then basically wrote a fanfic, and they can't always entirely tell when she's prophesying something that's actually going to happen vs. what's just wishful thinking bc she hopes they'll do it, if the power of suggestion is strong enough. this definitely involves ot3 matchmaking for narry, who are both very unhappy but also quite unhappy with each other, for Reasons that they haven't told the other boys. one of the parts of the prophecies definitely says that they have to be united in purpose, though, because it's the five of them that will bring about the end times. harry probably suggests a group orgy, only to be scowled down by everyone else, especially niall, who is Over It and is not going to get sucked back into whatever weird game harry's playing, which makes harry indignant. probably there is zayn/louis/liam. louis is loudly annoyed about the apocalypse happening with freddie has not even learned to play football properly yet. somehow this culminates in ot5 agreeing to do a special reunion concert at madison square gardens, three nights only, or something like that. WHO KNOWS what the end of the world actually looks like or how anything goes!! who knows what this is, even! probably the world doesn't actually end because liam has a polite word with someone in the angelic orders and louis makes vague threats and zayn produces an alternative reading of the prophecy that persuades the higher-ups.
